Storms of Perfection

I decided to switch Reflections of a Ragamuffin from Blogspot to WordPress this morning…mainly because I wanted the flexibility of having multiple pages on my blog. (If you notice up top, I have include a tab called “My Story” and have written and uploaded Act 1 thus far.)

The transition was fairly simple, although I am still learning the WordPress interface. Since my header image on Blogspot did not fit the new WordPress theme that I chose, I had to spend some time rethinking what I wanted that image to look like. I started thinking about visuals  and imagery that could represent the journey that Melody and I have been on for the last 10 years. Our journey has been painful and has taken turns that we never imagined. Through it all, however, there was a thread of hope…a ray of sunshine.

With that thought on my mind, I did a search for “storms and sun” to see what kind of images would pop up that contained those contradictory elements. The image that I used in the masthead was one of those images, and here are a few more. Let me know if you like some of these better than the one I chose.

Each of these images really struck me, but the one below haunted me. I found myself staring at the photo for at least 7 or 8 minutes, thinking about our story and how this image symbolizes so much of what we have been through. I used it for one of the headers above, but, because of the height limitations, it really didn’t do the image justice.

Here is the full image.

The raw power of the tornado is captured incredibly in this image and provides quite a contrast to the rays of sunshine exploding through the storm clouds. As our relationship was torn asunder by my addiction and infidelity, through it all I can look back and honestly say God provided rays of hope on even the darkest of days.

Which masthead do you prefer? What do you think about this image?

Let’s Stop Hiding Behind Christian Clichés

Melody and I have been anxiously awaiting the beginning of the new season of Intervention on A&E and watched the season premier last night. We love the show because it is about as raw and real-life as it gets and each episode deals honestly with our human condition.

Last night’s episode was about Gabe, a boy who was abandoned on the streets of Calcutta as a 3-year old boy, but had the good fortune of being adopted by a loving Christian family in Portland. Although Gabe was given love by his new family, he never felt like he fit in with his blonde-haired, blue-eyed siblings. Everywhere they went as a family, it was obvious that he was adopted. This fact, coupled with the deep pain born out of his physical and emotional abandonment in Calcutta, led Gabe to turn to drugs during adolescence.

When we were introduced to Gabe during last night’s episode, he was using heroin every 2 hours and had blown through an almost $40,000 insurance settlement. The family decided it was time for an intervention and thankfully it went well.

As we turned out the lights to go to bed, I sent the following on Twitter…

“Intervention tonight was a reminder of how Christians can string together clichés and at the end of the day have said nothing.”

My purpose here is not to judge Gabe’s family. I have no idea what it is like to have a son or daughter who is literally destroying themselves right before your eyes. What I do know is that when it comes to addiction, shame and behavior modification simply do not work. The letter that Gabe’s father read during the intervention had the therapist rolling her eyes. It was full of judgement and basically said,

“When you get your crap together, we can have a relationship again.”

When you look at sin with the simplistic view that it is simply a matter of making better choices, it is very easy to find yourself saying things like “You just need to trust Jesus” or “Let go and let God” or any number of other trite phrases that we love to throw around in Christian circles. At the end of the day, what do those phrases really mean? My heart was breaking for Gabe who simply wanted his family to walk into his pain with him and love him there.

Not only are our trite phrases void of meaning, but they also serve to further distance us from those who are hurting and can often add insult to injury. If we came across a gunshot victim who was bleeding all over the sidewalk, we wouldn’t think about simply saying, “You just need to give that to God.” We would all do whatever necessary to ensure that they got the proper medical attention as quickly as possible.

Why do we see emotional wounds differently? Is it because they are not as blatantly obvious?

I suppose I related to Gabe last night because of my own orphan mentality that I fight constantly. I know firsthand how real that emotional pain is and I was not physically abandoned as Gabe was. I can’t begin to fathom Gabe’s deep soul ache from being left on the street to fend for himself at 3 years old. Unlike many who are adopted and ask the question “Why didn’t my parents want me?”, Gabe wasn’t given up for adoption. Rather he was literally abandoned and no doubt that question has shaped his self-esteem, no matter how much love his new family showed him.

So Gabe turned to drugs to numb the ache of his soul. Ministering to Gabe or anyone who is a part of the walking wounded means finding their pain and loving them there. That is what Jesus did and the religious folk hated Him for it. It is so much easier to stand at a distance and tell someone to get their crap together. So much easier to throw out a few Christian clichés that scream loudly that we do not understand the pain our brother or sister is going through.

Let’s choose today to step boldly into someone else’s story and seek to understand their pain. Let’s bring the healing balm of our Savior to their woundedness. Fair warning…it is messy. It isn’t popular. The cliché crowd will begin to hurl their insults and will think you have lost your mind. The Gabes of the world need us. Let’s introduce them to a Savior that will NEVER leave or abandon.

Misinterpreting My Story

This past Tuesday was profound for me. I watched a 20 minute video that allowed me to see my life from a completely new perspective and it left me weeping. It has been awhile since I cried that hard.

The video is of Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz and Searching for God Knows What talking about story. What is the big deal about that, you ask?

First, here is the link to the video. It is just under 20 minutes, but I assure you it will be 20 minutes well spent.

Donald Miller | How Narrative Shapes Culture

I realized as I watched Donald Miller talk about story that there events in my own story that I had misinterpreted and misunderstood. The biggie happened when I was 22 years old. Up until the fall of 1993, everything in my life had unfolded in basically a positive direction. I started preaching at 15 and also had a dream to play Division 1 basketball and my junior year in High School, Samford, a school that had just moved to Division 1, started recruiting me.

“Cool God! I love how You are working these things out!”

Samford stopped recruiting me for an athletic scholarship my senior year but instead asked me to be an invited walk-on. Still cool, because by that time I had secured a Presidential scholarship to Samford.

“God closes one door and presto another one opens!”

I get to Samford and soon realize that I don’t have a spot on the team as a walk-on. I grieved the death of that dream for awhile, but about 2 weeks later I get a call from back home inviting me to pastor a new church being started on Lake Wedowee.

“Oh now I see God. You closed the basketball door because there is no way I could pastor if I was on the basketball team. I get it!”

I pastored Lakeside Community Church for 2 years and resigned in May of 1993, the same month that I graduated from Samford. Frankly, I was burned out because I had no idea how to set boundaries and was wearing myself out trying to serve as pastor. Rick Ousley did a revival that month in Randolph County of all places and I met with him and he invited me to join Brook Hill’s “Road Warriors”…a group of music and preaching evangelists that Brook Hills was going to promote and send out. He told me that Brook Hills was going to put together a 4-color glossy brochure featuring all 10 of us “Road Warriors” and then were going to mail it to every church in the SBC.

“God, You are simply amazing. I don’t even have to figure out how to promote myself or start an evangelistic ministry! Thank You!”

So Melody and I, still newlyweds, lived off of savings for that summer and highly anticipated the brochure going out in the fall and all of the great and wonderful places we were going to get to go to and speak. Our first “Road Warrior” meeting was scheduled that fall and I couldn’t wait to hear how everything was going to be unveiled. Well, five minutes into the meeting I discovered that the purpose of the meeting was for me to inform the committee concerning my plans to launch my ministry. What? That was not what I was told. Never once did anyone mention the glossy brochure.

“God, what is up with this? We need money!”

I left that meeting panicked and completely dejected. For the first time in my life, heaven seemed silent. The next week I was in a coat and tie interviewing for a job selling cellular phones in Roebuck, Alabama. I found out about the job in the want ads. I NEVER pictured myself working a secular job. I had been called to preach at 14. I spent 4 years studying for the ministry at Samford. What was this all about?

As I listened to Don Miller speak about story, God took me back to those events in the fall of 1993. For the first time in my life, life threw me a curve ball and I felt like I had struck out. There was no “open door” waiting for me to walk through. It was a devastating blow that would have profound effects on my life.

Looking back, I felt God was pretty pleased that I was on His team. He had called me early and had gifted me to proclaim His word because He had big plans for me in His kingdom. Selling cell phones in Roebuck, Alabama was not a part of that plan. Couldn’t be. So I came to two fatal conclusions about God and His heart toward me based on that series of events:

1)God is angry about my struggle with pornography and this is His punishment.
2)God can’t be counted on to take care of me. I am now own my own.

Those two lies were deadly and would have a profound impact on the rest of my story. I realize now that I parted company with God in a sense that fall. It wasn’t a conscious parting ways, but at the heart level I felt like God was mad with me, was punishing me, and that I had better fix things on my own and then come back and have fellowship with God. I vowed to work harder and to be more devout, but in my heart I was not so sure God could be trusted or counted on.

In this paradigm I was in, I could not invite God into my struggle or my problem but needed to deal with it on my own so I could once again find favor with God. At the core, I didn’t believe that the Gospel was true. God couldn’t love me as I am and my proof was having to sell cell phones in Roebuck. Donald Miller’s words from the video shot into my heart Tuesday when he said,

“Joy doesn’t change us…conflict does. Conflict is necessary in every story.”

Wow! How I wish I had seen my life in the context of a narrative during those fateful events of ’93. Instead of seeing God using conflict to punish me, what if I had interpreted that as Him loving me well? I was convicted Tuesday of how I have bought into the story of American consumerism more than God’s bigger story. I have made judgement calls about my story based on comparison to the American Dream rather than THE story that God is telling.

As you listen to Donald Miller, think about what lies you have believed over the years that have shaped your own story. God is Sovereign and truly does work ALL things together for our good.

I want to embrace the conflict and step boldly into my story and the stories of others. Want to join me?

The Gospel is a Scandal!

Reading Question 60 this morning from the Heidelberg Catechism and have realized how much I struggle with believing this to be true. This unbelief is the root of my Orphan Mentality and is the basis of so much of my addictive behavior over the years. Here is Question 60 and the corresponding answer. As you read the answer, let the truth of the words sink in.

THIS is what makes the Gospel such a scandal and what we have been called to take to a lost and dying world. It is indeed GOOD NEWS!

Question 60:
How are you righteous before God?

Answer:
Only by true faith in Jesus Christ. Although my conscience accuses me that I have grievously sinned against all God’s commandments, have never kept any of them, and am still inclined to all evil, yet God, without any merit of my own, out of mere grace, imputes to me the perfect satisfaction, righteousness, and holiness of Christ. He grants these to me as if I had never had nor committed any sin, and as if I myself had accomplished all the obedience which Christ has rendered for me, if only I accept this gift with a believing heart.

So much of my work in recovery has been silencing my relentless inner critic. I have had to learn to discern my critic’s distinct voice that brings lies and accusations. For so long I felt as if I had already let God down if I was struggling, so it was a foreign concept to invite God into my struggles. Thinking that God had done all of His work when I got saved, my life in Christ was a lonely existence because I felt that I had to wrestle alone with sin. I viewed God with His arms crossed and with a disappointing look on His face watching me to see how many good choices I was making as a “thank you” for saving me. Christianity for me was reduced to moralism or behavioralism rather than a wild-hearted adventure with the Lover of my soul.

Frankly, I blew it often. This led to more shame, and, since I felt God was mad, I retreated to my own means of coping with the pain…Internet pornography and chat rooms. The guilt I felt as a result led to more shame which I also medicated, and so went the cycle of addiction.

I praise God this morning for the scandalous Gospel!

How is your conscious accusing you today?

Preach the Gospel to yourself right now…in this moment. It is TRUE and so very WONDERFUL!

God is in the Struggle

Reading this morning in Francois de Salignac de La Mothe Fenelon’s classic book, The Seeking Heart. I was arrested by this statement and wanted to pass it along…

“Do not seek God as if He were far off in an ivory castle. He is found in the middle of the events of your everyday life. Look past the obstacles and find Him.”

Fenelon

I am not sure about you, but this was a very timely and fresh reminder for me this morning. It is so easy to be so focused on the obstacles that we fail to see what God is doing in us by using those obstacles.

Praise for Papa!

Ok…if you have not read the book, you don’t get the title of this post. “Papa” is the name William P. Young uses for God in The Shack. That is all I’m saying… don’t want to spoil it for you!

Listened to an interview this morning with Mr. Young and am blown away. I read the book in one sitting about a year ago and was tremendously encouraged. It portrays such a fresh view of the Trinity and allows us to see God in intimate fellowship. Rather than a clean and tidy, unrealistic view of the world we live in, we see God meeting us in the middle of our pain and struggle.

Click here for the interview with Paul Young by Drew Marshall and go out and get a copy if you have not read it yet. Here is the link to The Shack on amazon. If you have read the book, I would love to hear your comments!

Unchanging One

After returning this morning from my “Epic Fathering-Braveheart” meeting, I turned on iTunes and started listening to the haunting, throaty voice of Todd Agnew. I needed his fresh reminder about grace this morning. This guy gets it. If you are not familiar with his music, take a moment to listen to “Grace Like Rain”, “Still Has a Hold”, “Wait for Your Rain”, and “Our Great God” (with Rebecca St. James). Here is the video to “Unchanging One”…

Have a wonderful, grace-filled weekend!