Single’s Life Group

(Just a little thing, but I have noticed how many of my recent posts have started with some variation of “Melody and I…”. Today’s post is no exception! I would apologize and try to be a bit more creative with how I begin a post, but, frankly, I am so blessed to once again be able to say “Melody and I” or “Melody and me” after years of longing for that but NEVER thinking it would actually become a reality that I think you can allow me a bit of redundancy here. Maybe when you see “Melody and I” or “Melody and me” simply insert “God’s grace”.)

Melody and I will be sharing our story tonight. Melody will be in one house with the single women and I will be in another house with single guys. We woke up this morning talking through the details of our journey together (and apart) and honestly, it was again a painful experience. Through tears, we talked about how we worked so hard for years to force our life to fit into this clean and neat little box that we could show to the world and other believers as a type of formula for how to live the victorious Christian life. As hard as we tried to pretend that life was predictable and tidy, the more messy it became and the more our delusion was exposed.

This we know to be true…LIFE IS MESSY! Over the years we spent so much time and energy denying this simple truth rather than embracing the messiness and asking God to show up in the middle of it. Real life has a way of drop-kicking trite Christian cliches that we so desperately want to cling to. Through much pain and much chaos, God showed Melody and me that we could run to Him when life made no sense and seemed to be careening out of control. He showed up in the middle of our pain time and time again.

Please pray for us tonight as we share our story. Pray that we would avoid the temptation to gloss over the messiness and only focus on the getting back together. God continues to teach us so much about the process we went through to get to where we are today and we want to be able to effectively communicate that process to the Singles tonight.

Dating Wisdom from Shrek

Recently read a cynic’s perspective on dating and it got me to thinking…

I think it is essential to define the purpose of dating before getting too deep into whether dating must be a “game” or not. All of us were created with a longing for true intimacy…to be loved completely and totally by another individual…warts and all. Obviously, true intimacy is a rare jewel that we have to work for and even fight for to obtain. It simply doesn’t come easily.

None of us want to be hurt, but true intimacy is simply impossible if we are not first and foremost willing to take the risk of getting hurt. I have met so many people who have been hurt by past relationships, didn’t take the time to grieve and heal properly, and are back out there actually using dating as a means of medicating the wounds from the past relationship (or in some cases, relationships). This leads to a vicious cycle that will eventually make them very cynical with impenetrable walls around their heart. (Met any of them?) They live with the incorrect belief that all they need for true happiness is to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. Their walls might guarantee that they will never get hurt again, but they also guarantee that they will never find the true intimacy that they long for. These are the people that see dating as some type of game that must be manipulated. For them, it is a scary journey of mistrust where you have to constantly guard and protect your heart.

In the popular animated movie “Shrek”, Shrek, the ogre, while on his way to rescue the sleeping princess, makes a very profound statement to Donkey. He says “Ogres have layers.” Since seeing that movie a few years ago, I realize that what is true of ogres is also true with people. We all have layers. Many layers. Dating is simply the process of peeling back those layers and getting to know another individual. At each layer, we decide whether or not we want to continue to pursue the relationship or if we have discovered enough to know that the individual we are getting to know isn’t the one for us. Relationships don’t have to end in knock-down, drag-out, who can cuss each other the most, fights. We can simply get to the point in the process that we say, “You are an awesome person, but not for me.”

Unless it is a completely blind date, you know a little bit about the other person’s outer layer before the first date. Physical appearance, occupation, basic interests, hometown, etc. all fit into the outer layer of an individual. This is basic common knowledge that requires no real level of intimacy to discover. We base our decisions on who to go out with on a lot of what we see in someone’s outer layer. For example, if someone isn’t physically attractive to us, we will most likely not have that first date to find out anything deeper about that person. That isn’t being shallow, it is simply being true to what we are ultimately looking for.

The process demands that the layers be peeled back in order. It simply doesn’t work any other way. Granted it would be nice and convenient to be able to know all there is to know about a person on the first date without having to risk anything of ourselves. You can’t get to layer 7 on the first date…the relationship is not yet mature enough to handle information at that level. This is basic selfishness. We want the other person to let their guard down and be real with us while we keep our hearts guarded. We want them to assume all of the risk.

The slow process sucks because part of the pain of ending a relationship is looking back at the time invested. It isn’t fun to get to level 9 or 10 with someone only to discover that things are not going to work out. It is normal that we feel like we have wasted that time. It wasn’t time wasted because hopefully, if it was a healthy relationship, we have learned a lot about ourselves and life in general having gone through that process. We should walk away with an even clearer picture of what we are looking for in a mate.

We need to learn to enjoy the process. The exhilarating hope of finding the true intimacy we crave is what must keep us going. It is out there…that rare jewel. Most are unwilling to fight for it or are too scared of getting hurt in the process. Yes, we will get hurt along the way…it is ok. We’ll make it. And, when we are resting in the arms of the one who knows us intimately, we will look back and realize that the fight for true intimacy was well worth it.